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Now, it's 1:41 am......... don't know what to do... not even in the mood... have some important work to do... but i can't force myself ....because this's how my parents raises me.. they never force us to do anything... everything in our life we did choose..do choose...& will choose... so i never force myself to do work... however important was it... maybe it's wrong... but it's never the end... maybe no other chance... but how i do that !! how come?!! when i do something..i do it because i want to.. because i love to ... because i wanna do my best in it.. so it become very prefect ... i like everything to be perfect..ideal.. or near to that... it's ok if i never finish it... but i did my best.. & did use all time i got to do it the best it could be... i do focus with all my sense to achieve it....
but right now... i'm not even in the mood...feeling depressed... kinda sad..wanna cry.. holdin my tears.. i believe i do weep daily now.... like yesterday,i got so emotional when i met some people.. some relative after very very long time.. but i holed my tears.. it was happy occasion....i would ruin it if i did weep ... i don't know... feeling myself lately can't hold my tears any more.. my heart in pain.. & maybe u askin why?!! maybe i don't know... maybe i know... i'm confused.. feeling myself different.. i mean unlike me..... feel sadness become part of me..... stick to me... though people who know me.. i'm very optimistic person..happy person..all time laughing.. smiling... but now... i feel my smile is fake...... hiding what i really feel...... or maybe i'm really happy or forget when i'm with them.. my friends or whoever... but once i'm alone.. start feeling this sadness...but why?? why this time i can't get myself out of that feeling?!! why?? i don't remain in such mood for mins or hours or even 1 day... but why now it stick to me... how can i get rid of it...... but still i'm patient ..still havin this hope it will b over.. sooner or later... sometimes i feel that i need someone ...i need a shoulder... someone i sleep in his arms.. or just hold my hands & tell me everything gonna be alright... sometimes.. i just wanna shoulder to cry on without askin me why..... just let me cry...till tears run out... till rain over.. and sky gonna b so clear.. maybe i feel relived ..... i'm so confused... maybe i'm getting mad... or maybe it's time to realize that noone gonna be there for me... no one feel what i'm going through... even my friends.. but i can't blame them... everyone is busy in her life... no complain... but don't know.. even not interested to go to college...but really... i realize 1 important thing... that only...Only one who is always by ur side.... when everyone leave u......He's .....
.ALLAH.... ya Allah..Forgive me... Forgive me for not realizing this... i mean for feeling alone & i'm not.. because u r by my side... Forgive me for hopin that someone feel me.. and u know everything... Forgive me for thinking that others can help me get through this situation though u r the Only One who can... Forgive me... Forgive me..
i'm not asking for relieve ...but i'll handle it...i'll be patient...i'll be strong.. but forgive my sins.. & let me die as real muslim.. i trust YOU... i know this time will be over... it's just a test.. or YOU wanna forgive me.. YOU wanna me to come closer... maybe i went away... yes,i did... but now i'm coming back to YOU... Forgive me....... Forgive me ya Allah... Forgive me....